Not Just Mother's Day

Today wasn't just about Mother's Day....I intentionally took it away from being just that--for too many years I have been hurt and it's always started out wonderful but for some reason or another it's gone downhill at some point during the day where I or one of my family has always ended up unhappy. So today we grocery shopped. We travelled to my parents for dinner and we arrived home for a night of watching our television shows........and to be honest it was one of the nicest days and ways I've ever spent Mother's Day. The day has been made far to commercial, I wasn't going to stop doing just because it was a day for moms, and it turned out that one of my most favourite pictures was captured by my daughter--and yes it was when I was giving my mom the mother's day cake we took over for dinner but as her memory does not allow for her to remember what special days are any more we just treated it as a neat dessert for a nice dinner. The picture captured my heart and will be one I cherish for a long long time. After a night at my parents we arrived home. Later than usual but just in time for our tv shows. Just before we sat to watch two hours of television Taylor and hubby disappeared upstairs to come down with hubby carrying the camera and Taylor walking towards me with a gift she and her father had bought the week before. For those who don't know my life.....my husband is disabled......going out is a chore...it's difficult and at the least a days venture......he and Taylor spent a day together last week and they happened to head to the shopping centre and it was late at night I was given an amazing gift of two Pandora charms for my bracelet...I love my gift, I love my two special persons in my world. I love my parents, and having spent the day with those that are important to me it wasn't just Mother's Days but it was a special day that I spent with those I truly love.

My world or hers

Back and realized it's been a bit.........things aren't much different...life still just goes on.........usually it's all about whatever exciting is going on but sometimes it's about hearing what I need to do and that's ok......Funny thing is when I was younger I never ever, just like everyone else appreciated whatever it was my parents had to say....now when I'm told off..............it seems like for just that tiny second my mom was in my world......she knew who I was....she felt compelled to give me advice or tell me off, and you know what??? I was ok with it....really I was....in fact I appreciated that little bit of whatever she had to say........in my heart I knew then that she was still hanging on with a slight thread to the world that I live in and that for a bit she would still be here..............not in her world where she had nothing to worry about....where I'm sure she does feel fear about not knowing where she is or who she is with but in a world where she can sit and stare off blankly and just be gone in thought. I will sit and stare at her as she sits and stares....sometimes she will look at me and smile....I will return the smile but as I sit I wonder what thoughts have been on her mind.....sometimes when I ask I'm told of stories that I wonder if they really did happen.......her stories are interesting, I try to fit them into something that she has heard recently and she is trying to relate to....sometimes I can find the connection. She will watch the news and sit and a few minutes later talk about the fire in her house. How she had to get everyone out, and how her mother wasn't home but she never knew if she was or not so she never knew if her mother needed to be saved from the burning building or not. Now I know her mother was never about, but I also know we just watched the local news and that just happened and was told of. However I sit and listen and never question her thoughts. I listen intently and always with a slight smile, and in return that slight smile is sent back to me, and again I know she is in my world for however long she may be, and I feel content and I hope she does too.

Nightly my father will call, it's just our routine. Each night we talk about how the day's been, what's new and how my mother has been doing. I'm always sure to ask how my father is but it seems like the subject always rolls back to how my mom is. Last night she was talkative and although she babbled on about a whole lot of things we didn't understand we listen attentively and create conversation around what she was saying. Tonight's phone call was much different. She was again wanting to go home....the sun goes down and she's wanting to leave the house as it's not hers and go back to where she lives....... Tonight it's cold outside, snowing and freezing rain. My father asked her where she wanted to be, her response. I've got to meet someone, up the street....this was a new response. I could here him laugh slightly and say the weather is not good you are not going out there...............her response............................I'll say warm and dry just let me go..............................his worry every minute of the day is just that.....that she might go.........there is no fear, no worry, just want to go..............................she desires to be somewhere else. To live in that fear of not being where you should be. To not know anyone around you and to not want to be where you are but unable to leave must be the scariest thing in the world......we need to remember she's still able to let us know what she wants.......we have to respect that, but how do you respect what the person is wanting when you know what is best for the person.

Last year the most precious girl in my life turned 14.......I'm not going to get all mushie and tell you how wonderful she is and all, that's just a mother thing and a bragging thing. What I will tell you is that if she weren't my daughter I would love to know her. Every where she goes she leaves behind a special feeling. People are encouraged by her. People are uplifted by her presence and people are appreciative of her attitude and manners. Being her mom I'm happy and please that she has listened to her father and I in all that we have ever said about being respective and respectful. Being a parent isn't an easy job. Being a parent caught in the sandwich generation is even harder. Raising a daughter and assisting and supporting an elderly parent is a real hard thing. It's exhausting, it's overwhelming, and it's often frustrating. Not that I'm frustrated with having to do it. I'm frustrated with the fact that being young has so many opportunities and being older doesn't have so many opportunities other than getting older, more ill if you are ill and being in a situation where you have to rely on others for support and help. I'm scared more than frustrated. I'm terrified of not having anyone there to take care of me. Not that my daughter or husband wouldn't but just like I know my father feels like he is pressuring me to be there I know I would feel the same about pressuring them to be there for me.

Another year and Christmas

Another year is here......................2015.........................................Christmas was like any other really. We were up early, opened presents here at home then off we went to my parents, this seems to always be our happening. My mom was aware of this happening so things weren't out of the usual. She does try very hard to not show her confusion and I totally give her credit for her strength. The day was spent with a great spread of food my father prepared and then an afternoon of opening presents....believe you me it does take all afternoon....watching my mom both hurt and filled me with so much joy.......she opened her presents like a child....diving into all and opening them as a child would...she didn't want to put anything down and my father had to talk her into putting her presents on the floor beside her so she could open the next once her lap got full....after presents were open we enjoyed some quiet time or for those tired a sleep. Just before supper we heard a thump...........my mother attempted to get out of bed, falling and hurting her hand and arm. That just threw the whole dinner off.......my father was beside himself and I was totally not sure how to or what to do other than first aid and just be sure she was comfortable. After dinner we sat and talked.......................................it was a long day and as my mother tired we decided it was time to leave...as usual she too wanted to leave............sundowners. It's never easy leaving the house............she always wants to come-it's hard for all............Taylor looks like a deer in headlights and my father is always close behind me--keeping a watch on my mom so that she stays sitting in her chair so she doesn't have another fall and he's closely down the stairs behind us to lock the door for them being in the house secured for the night---but that's another story for another time....... Christmas is always the five of us.....we make what we can of it and create memories I hope that will be remember and cherished............I'm never sure how much my mother will remember but I do know that when things are happening she is enjoying herself and that is all that's important to me for her.

for a long time

..............I haven't been about ..................I haven't blogged .......................I haven't done a lot creatively and ...........................I haven't smiled Life does get in the way of a lot of things. I'm totally not sure why I haven't done a lot for a long time, guess that between taking care of my family and working and then trying to fit all into a small amount of time left there isn't any time left to do a lot. I truly miss sharing my thoughts, creating with my supplies and just doing. I will be back, thanks for waiting if you have been and thanks for reading if you did.

It's been a bit..................

Often I sit and think about logging onto my blog and typing away all the thoughts that come to my mind. Then I sit and the emotions take over the thoughts so I sit some more and then the thoughts are gone and the emotions are deep so I just never log on. Vicious circle, I guess cause it seems like I haven't been here forever and when I look at the date of the last post it has been a long time. Things aren't a lot different in life, I can day dream and hope that they might be different when I wake but it's never the happening. Having very little say on what's going on as my father is the one in charge, it's difficult. He is there, taking care of my mother twenty four, seven, with little help from anyone. He feels I have too much on my plate with all that is gong on in my life, so he does not like to ask things of me. That bothers me, I am there for him, he does know that. We talk nightly, that seems to be his savior, but sometimes that is cut short by my mother's wanting to go to bed, or impatient with waiting for him to help her take her pills. Sundowners is real. It's a nightly thing where my mother wants to go home. She insists she does not live where she is living, she argues that it is not her home, and she cries almost every night because no one understands her or loves her enough to help her get to where she has to go. We reassure her, tell her she is safe, that it is her home and has been for the past fifty years. Sometimes she will agree but most nights she sits angry, to be all forgotten when she wakes the next day. It's always in our memory how angry she becomes, we forgive and try to forget. It's hard. It's real to her and that's all that matters to her, to us it's useless to argue, but sometimes that button is pushed and the argument in on. Staring into space, and thinking thoughts that she never shares happens often. I'd love to be able to crawl inside her mind, to know what she is thinking. I've almost got it figured out that she is stuck somewhere between fifteen and twenty in her mind. Those are the years she talks of in relation to doing things. She will talk about skating and not going back to lessons, she will talk about quitting guides, and she has even related the house she wants to go home nightly to the one she was living in at that time. She remembers only bits and pieces, like a puzzle with pieces missing. Nothing really comes together, spaces empty, not remembering who I am or who my father is. Life does go on, thoughts do happen and are forgotten, I haven't forgotten about blogging, think I just took a little break. I'll try to be back more often to leave some thoughts on what's happening in life at that time. Thanks for reading if you have read this far. Maybe we are on the same journey, just living in different parts of this big world. Leave a comment, let me know your thoughts. Everyday something new is learned, maybe we can help each other walk the path of the journey we are on, making it safely with those we love close by.