Not Just Mother's Day

Today wasn't just about Mother's Day....I intentionally took it away from being just that--for too many years I have been hurt and it's always started out wonderful but for some reason or another it's gone downhill at some point during the day where I or one of my family has always ended up unhappy. So today we grocery shopped. We travelled to my parents for dinner and we arrived home for a night of watching our television shows........and to be honest it was one of the nicest days and ways I've ever spent Mother's Day. The day has been made far to commercial, I wasn't going to stop doing just because it was a day for moms, and it turned out that one of my most favourite pictures was captured by my daughter--and yes it was when I was giving my mom the mother's day cake we took over for dinner but as her memory does not allow for her to remember what special days are any more we just treated it as a neat dessert for a nice dinner. The picture captured my heart and will be one I cherish for a long long time. After a night at my parents we arrived home. Later than usual but just in time for our tv shows. Just before we sat to watch two hours of television Taylor and hubby disappeared upstairs to come down with hubby carrying the camera and Taylor walking towards me with a gift she and her father had bought the week before. For those who don't know my life.....my husband is disabled......going out is a chore...it's difficult and at the least a days venture......he and Taylor spent a day together last week and they happened to head to the shopping centre and it was late at night I was given an amazing gift of two Pandora charms for my bracelet...I love my gift, I love my two special persons in my world. I love my parents, and having spent the day with those that are important to me it wasn't just Mother's Days but it was a special day that I spent with those I truly love.

My world or hers

Back and realized it's been a bit.........things aren't much different...life still just goes on.........usually it's all about whatever exciting is going on but sometimes it's about hearing what I need to do and that's ok......Funny thing is when I was younger I never ever, just like everyone else appreciated whatever it was my parents had to say....now when I'm told off..............it seems like for just that tiny second my mom was in my world......she knew who I was....she felt compelled to give me advice or tell me off, and you know what??? I was ok with it....really I was....in fact I appreciated that little bit of whatever she had to say........in my heart I knew then that she was still hanging on with a slight thread to the world that I live in and that for a bit she would still be here..............not in her world where she had nothing to worry about....where I'm sure she does feel fear about not knowing where she is or who she is with but in a world where she can sit and stare off blankly and just be gone in thought. I will sit and stare at her as she sits and stares....sometimes she will look at me and smile....I will return the smile but as I sit I wonder what thoughts have been on her mind.....sometimes when I ask I'm told of stories that I wonder if they really did happen.......her stories are interesting, I try to fit them into something that she has heard recently and she is trying to relate to....sometimes I can find the connection. She will watch the news and sit and a few minutes later talk about the fire in her house. How she had to get everyone out, and how her mother wasn't home but she never knew if she was or not so she never knew if her mother needed to be saved from the burning building or not. Now I know her mother was never about, but I also know we just watched the local news and that just happened and was told of. However I sit and listen and never question her thoughts. I listen intently and always with a slight smile, and in return that slight smile is sent back to me, and again I know she is in my world for however long she may be, and I feel content and I hope she does too.

Nightly my father will call, it's just our routine. Each night we talk about how the day's been, what's new and how my mother has been doing. I'm always sure to ask how my father is but it seems like the subject always rolls back to how my mom is. Last night she was talkative and although she babbled on about a whole lot of things we didn't understand we listen attentively and create conversation around what she was saying. Tonight's phone call was much different. She was again wanting to go home....the sun goes down and she's wanting to leave the house as it's not hers and go back to where she lives....... Tonight it's cold outside, snowing and freezing rain. My father asked her where she wanted to be, her response. I've got to meet someone, up the street....this was a new response. I could here him laugh slightly and say the weather is not good you are not going out there...............her response............................I'll say warm and dry just let me go..............................his worry every minute of the day is just that.....that she might go.........there is no fear, no worry, just want to go..............................she desires to be somewhere else. To live in that fear of not being where you should be. To not know anyone around you and to not want to be where you are but unable to leave must be the scariest thing in the world......we need to remember she's still able to let us know what she wants.......we have to respect that, but how do you respect what the person is wanting when you know what is best for the person.

Last year the most precious girl in my life turned 14.......I'm not going to get all mushie and tell you how wonderful she is and all, that's just a mother thing and a bragging thing. What I will tell you is that if she weren't my daughter I would love to know her. Every where she goes she leaves behind a special feeling. People are encouraged by her. People are uplifted by her presence and people are appreciative of her attitude and manners. Being her mom I'm happy and please that she has listened to her father and I in all that we have ever said about being respective and respectful. Being a parent isn't an easy job. Being a parent caught in the sandwich generation is even harder. Raising a daughter and assisting and supporting an elderly parent is a real hard thing. It's exhausting, it's overwhelming, and it's often frustrating. Not that I'm frustrated with having to do it. I'm frustrated with the fact that being young has so many opportunities and being older doesn't have so many opportunities other than getting older, more ill if you are ill and being in a situation where you have to rely on others for support and help. I'm scared more than frustrated. I'm terrified of not having anyone there to take care of me. Not that my daughter or husband wouldn't but just like I know my father feels like he is pressuring me to be there I know I would feel the same about pressuring them to be there for me.

Another year and Christmas

Another year is here......................2015.........................................Christmas was like any other really. We were up early, opened presents here at home then off we went to my parents, this seems to always be our happening. My mom was aware of this happening so things weren't out of the usual. She does try very hard to not show her confusion and I totally give her credit for her strength. The day was spent with a great spread of food my father prepared and then an afternoon of opening presents....believe you me it does take all afternoon....watching my mom both hurt and filled me with so much joy.......she opened her presents like a child....diving into all and opening them as a child would...she didn't want to put anything down and my father had to talk her into putting her presents on the floor beside her so she could open the next once her lap got full....after presents were open we enjoyed some quiet time or for those tired a sleep. Just before supper we heard a thump...........my mother attempted to get out of bed, falling and hurting her hand and arm. That just threw the whole dinner off.......my father was beside himself and I was totally not sure how to or what to do other than first aid and just be sure she was comfortable. After dinner we sat and talked.......................................it was a long day and as my mother tired we decided it was time to leave...as usual she too wanted to leave............sundowners. It's never easy leaving the house............she always wants to come-it's hard for all............Taylor looks like a deer in headlights and my father is always close behind me--keeping a watch on my mom so that she stays sitting in her chair so she doesn't have another fall and he's closely down the stairs behind us to lock the door for them being in the house secured for the night---but that's another story for another time....... Christmas is always the five of us.....we make what we can of it and create memories I hope that will be remember and cherished............I'm never sure how much my mother will remember but I do know that when things are happening she is enjoying herself and that is all that's important to me for her.

for a long time

..............I haven't been about ..................I haven't blogged .......................I haven't done a lot creatively and ...........................I haven't smiled Life does get in the way of a lot of things. I'm totally not sure why I haven't done a lot for a long time, guess that between taking care of my family and working and then trying to fit all into a small amount of time left there isn't any time left to do a lot. I truly miss sharing my thoughts, creating with my supplies and just doing. I will be back, thanks for waiting if you have been and thanks for reading if you did.

It's been a bit..................

Often I sit and think about logging onto my blog and typing away all the thoughts that come to my mind. Then I sit and the emotions take over the thoughts so I sit some more and then the thoughts are gone and the emotions are deep so I just never log on. Vicious circle, I guess cause it seems like I haven't been here forever and when I look at the date of the last post it has been a long time. Things aren't a lot different in life, I can day dream and hope that they might be different when I wake but it's never the happening. Having very little say on what's going on as my father is the one in charge, it's difficult. He is there, taking care of my mother twenty four, seven, with little help from anyone. He feels I have too much on my plate with all that is gong on in my life, so he does not like to ask things of me. That bothers me, I am there for him, he does know that. We talk nightly, that seems to be his savior, but sometimes that is cut short by my mother's wanting to go to bed, or impatient with waiting for him to help her take her pills. Sundowners is real. It's a nightly thing where my mother wants to go home. She insists she does not live where she is living, she argues that it is not her home, and she cries almost every night because no one understands her or loves her enough to help her get to where she has to go. We reassure her, tell her she is safe, that it is her home and has been for the past fifty years. Sometimes she will agree but most nights she sits angry, to be all forgotten when she wakes the next day. It's always in our memory how angry she becomes, we forgive and try to forget. It's hard. It's real to her and that's all that matters to her, to us it's useless to argue, but sometimes that button is pushed and the argument in on. Staring into space, and thinking thoughts that she never shares happens often. I'd love to be able to crawl inside her mind, to know what she is thinking. I've almost got it figured out that she is stuck somewhere between fifteen and twenty in her mind. Those are the years she talks of in relation to doing things. She will talk about skating and not going back to lessons, she will talk about quitting guides, and she has even related the house she wants to go home nightly to the one she was living in at that time. She remembers only bits and pieces, like a puzzle with pieces missing. Nothing really comes together, spaces empty, not remembering who I am or who my father is. Life does go on, thoughts do happen and are forgotten, I haven't forgotten about blogging, think I just took a little break. I'll try to be back more often to leave some thoughts on what's happening in life at that time. Thanks for reading if you have read this far. Maybe we are on the same journey, just living in different parts of this big world. Leave a comment, let me know your thoughts. Everyday something new is learned, maybe we can help each other walk the path of the journey we are on, making it safely with those we love close by.

Never stop believing.....

I arrived at my mother and father's place a few weeks back to find my mother in an awful state. Over night her health deterriorated to a degree that actually scared me. We dialled 9*1*1 and within minutes had the help we needed at the house. When we arrived at the hospital an amazing emergency geriatric nurse arrived in the room who turned out to be an angel in disguise. She made recommendations to the emergency doctor and within no time at all tests were ordered and a shock of a diagnoses came about. We who know nothing about alzhemeirs thought it was just part of the condition, however there was a blockage to the small intestine. They within no time had machines hooked up and a medical plan in place for observation for the next 48 hours to be crucial as to whether or not surgery was to be scheduled. Well it didn't happen, the blockage disappered and with time my mother was able to move and again preform daily tasks that we thought would never be able to happen again because of the advantacement of the alzhemiers or a possible stroke. Never stop believing that your loved one is stronger than you think they are. My mother said she was going to beat this, she has. She is a trooper. She is home again after a stay in the hospital, there are supports for a bit put in place, and she is smiling and laughing which wasn't happening in the emergency room. Thank you to those who cared for her, thank you for those who told us a few things to expect. One thing leanred for sure was that when a person who has alzhemiers is ill, they may become more confused or even go into a delirum. This is normal, and if we had of known that in the beginning it might of made things easier. Keep that in mind, and never stop beleiving in the person you love and the many ways they can be effected, that if they seem more confused that usual it just might be somthing due to illness or medicine. Be there for them, be their advocate for them and love them with all your heart.

If I dIDn'T laUgH.....

I might cry.............. We spent a wonderful afternoon and evening at my parents house yesterday celebrating Father's Day. Taylor woke early, headed to my scrap space in the basement first off and made her dad a card. It was adorable and he loved it. As the day progressed we got ready and headed for dinner at my parents. My father wanted to cook a roast but with the temperatures outside there was no need to heat the house up and make the airconditior work double time, so I suggested a pizza. Take out food has got to be the best, who ever invented it must of been celebrating something when they came up with the idea because it really is the way to handle quick fast dinners for everyone to enjoy. Anyway, over we went with pizza and cake in hand. If you have been following my blog you'll understand my situation. There we sat in the living room and the first incidnet happened. All was quiet and my mother broke out with her arms waving in the air like she was conducting a choir singing Happy Birthday, after all she did see a cake come into the kitchen. She had no idea who's birthday it was but she wanted everyone to join in with her singing. So I did, why not, it was fun and if I didn't laugh at all the little things that are going on with this dreaded disease taking over her life I just might cry. Well out comes my father breaking in when she is right in the middle of the chorus and said........"hon it's no one's brithday." Now come on, the going was good and we weren't laughing at, we were laughing with my wodnerful mom. That was the first indient to quickly be joined by the second, when we were sitting at the table all eating dinner. There was a quiet moment and my mom started again, in full volume singing away, then looking at Taylor, signalling her to join in and there sat Taylor, eyes wide open full of I'm not so sure of what running through her head. So I spoke, and said mom remember it's Father's Day, no one's birthday in a quiet voice, once again there was silence. With her cheeks a little flushed my mom quickly stopped singing, smiled oddly and said...oh I know that. We all laughed again. It's true, you have to live in the moment, find little things to laugh about, try hard not to look at the person for who she was but for who she is, and enjoy all the little things that come along each day. It's those things that make the disease a little easier to bare. Don't get me wrong, I do my fair share of crying, but I really am trying to learn to let the little things that go on just do that, go on. Often I am at my parents and my mom will say she wants to go home. Tonight when I was there she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay for the night at the house she was at, or to leave and go home. There is no other house and there is no other home. Tonight she settled easily being told that there isn't another home, but on the day when she really wants to leave, my plan is to drive her around the blog, pull back into the drive way and announce we are home....Think that will work???? Who knows but it might just be one of those things that makes me laugh because like I said, if I didn't laugh I would cry.

It seems I only post when......

my thoughts are deep and my heart is hurting. Mother's Day, isn't it suppose to be a day for sharing your love with the one who brought you into this world??? The person who knows you better than you know yourself??? The person who you can turn to when the world seems to have turned against you???Yet, the person who was there for me, the person I knew growing up and the person who is still living in that same house, with my father doesn't even know or remember me, my father, or the past.How must the world feel to her??? I know my thoughts are torn and tattered, but she must feel fear, she doesn't know her past, she can't remember living in that house, and she really doesn't know who I am until I call her mom. I haven't lost the person the person has just lost the memories of us. It hurts, tears are streaming down my face as I type this, but I have to get my feelings out somewhere and when I type them here then they are out for me read, acknowledge and read over and over again. Is that a good thing???My father always said one say she was going to wake up and not know her past. I never believed that, maybe I just didn't want to believe it. Now it's real, she sits and listens to our conversations and says very little. She is confused, I can tell by the look on her face, scared, frightened and worried. She looks at us like we are complete strangers, and to her we are. Today I feel like I have hit my emotional wall. No, I feel like I have run into it traveling ever so fast,hit the cement and crashed to a stop.Mother's day, how can I be happy to be one, when I feel the way I do about not having one who remembers me??? Maybe I'm scared I will someday forget my life, maybe I am scared that I too will look about and not know my home, my family or my friends. That really does bother me, not knowing what my future will bring, seeing today and knowing it's not enjoyable for the ones who do remember, the one's who love her with all their hearts and know she is worried about loving back. Last night Taylor and I were at Walmart, she saw the movie "The Vow" on sale. She started to tell me about it and I looked at her and softly said, "why would I want to see a movie about a person forgetting everything about them when my own mother doesn't remember me"???She looked at me and said, "yah I guess that wouldn't be nice would it" and then in a quiet voice said "sorry" and grabbed for my hand. Not fair for an eleven year old to have that dumped on them, I know but I believe in being honest, sometimes honesty hurts but it is the truth.Lately my mother is asking to go home. That the house she is in is not where she lives, yet she has lived there for over fifty years. She often talks about her grandparents in the present tense, like they are still alive. I told her the other night that her grandfather was dead before I was born. She asked why no one told her that. She isn't sleeping through the nights when she is upset. My father is kept awake with her questions, questions she asks over and over again. I know that I should be happy, my mother is still alive. Yes, for that I am so grateful, she is there for us to share company with, to visit and to talk to. If only she could just take a step forward or back and the clock of unkind health would turn and erase this awful nightmare she lives in. It does seem like the only time I post here is when my heart is hurting, not often do I feel like I've crashed into that wall, but today when I have done the few things that I have done, and each thing is a reminder that Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday, I share my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions. It's best that I do it here, I'm not bringing upset or frustration with my anywhere when I spend a few moments here typing down my feelings. Venting really does help the soul, and this is my space to vent after all. Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it's just a way to get things out there, either way, it's my space and it' what this space is for.

Thinking about nothing much and venting

I sort of needed to post this tonight, just to get things off my chest. This blog seems to be my place to just vent and well tonight I feel I really need to do just that. Things aren't good, and if I had a shadow today I think I would be fighting with it.... so with that said you would be right if you guessed I am fighting, well not fighting but just not getting along with the important people in my life right now, including my mother, my father, my husband, and myself. For a change Taylor isn't included in this mix. She seems to be my saviour right now, my one and only I am able to laugh with. Even after tonight she tells me she lost her desk because when her teacher was having another hissy fit she decided to take out a piece of paper and draw. Now what's wrong with that??? Her father told her to put her head down on the table and cover up her ears. What's more disrespectful, doing that or just drawing. Anyway, I told her congrats she's not perfect like she always thinks she needs to be. Anyway, I'm not in a good mood, not in a great mood in fact in a mood that really sucks and I just can't figure out a way to get out of it.
Tonight I asked someone how to get happy, and they didn't know. How sad when you can't figure that out. If you have any suggestions please let me know I'd be happy to try anything about right now. Leave me a comment I'd love to hear your thoughts!!!

New Resolution

I made a few New Years Resolutions this year and so far haven't kept one. However today when I was visiting my mom and dad a resolution popped into my head that I am truly going to keep. You see every time I visit my mother there is a conversation that goes like this......

My mom.......you don't understand it, there are a lot of them that come here to work
Me....no mom there is only dad.
My mom.......you just don't get it, I'm not making this up!!!
Me.... honestly mom there is only dad
My mom.......there are a lot of them and they all say they have the same name.....you just don't get it

....this conversation goes on every time I talk to her, whether it's on the phone or I am there.
Tonight she asked me to come into a room in the back of the house with her. Off we went, and once there she began to talk.........she found a bunch of pajamas on the spare bed, she began to show them to me, each one she held up asking if it would fit. As she held them up she continued to tell me that one of the men was cleaning and decided to clean out her pajama drawer.
As I stood there, watching her and listening to her words, I decided I was not going to try to change her mind, I was not going to attempt to correct her. She knew what went on in her own mind and she was gong about her business in her own way. She was proud to give me those clothing items, she was happy to see them fit. She knew they were hers and hers to give away, but it made me sad. You see that man who did the laundry was my father, the one who does the cooking and cleaning. The one who makes her meals, gives her her pills, and the one who is there all the time to see and keep her safe.
But, today I resolved to a new resolution. To not argue, to just let the moments go. To not say anything about the man that was there, or the men that come and go. But to just live in the moment. That's hard for me, I want things to be right, I want things to be ok, I want things to be the way they use to be. But that will not happen, things are the way they are now, never to be the way they were. I have to understand that, I have to move on, and not want them to be the way they were before my mother forgot our lives. She is still my mother, she is still the person who I look up to, it hurts me to see how fragile she has become, she was my pillar, my hero, my mom. As I type this the tears are flowing from my eyes, I wish that I could call her and chat, but that is too much for her, conversations are over her head. Life can be cruel, not for her, but for me, I want her to be who she used to be. Wishing for that is like trying to fly. I'll never get off the ground unless I am in a plane, and my mother will never be who she was unless we turn back the hands of time. So my resolution is to let her live in her world, to visit her world with her, to ask her questions about what is going on in her world, and to know that in her world there are fears, worries and frustrations. But like me trying to fly without having wings, I just have to accept that some things are not meant to be. Life does go on and I need to remember the times we shared when she was who she use to be, and now that she is who she is to live and learn and take each day as it comes. Do I have a message for anyone who reads my blog??? Yes, that message would be, make a new resolution daily, one you know you can try to keep, one that is not to difficult to include everyone in that you love, but make is simple enough so that no matter what happens it can be kept, even if just for that day. That way your heart will never be broke, your life will be simple and you will always be happy, and if you can't be any of those things, just live in the moment. Do whatever it is that you have to do, but know that there is a reason you do to it. You might not know why now but you will in time. That simple resolution might just help you make it through tough times. I am sure tough times are in everyone's life not just mine. Make your life for you, make memories for you and whoever is in your life. Make those new resolutions one's you can keep because life is full of disappointments, don't make life disappointing, just make it one you can look back on and say, hey I did it and I'm who I am and proud of me because me is all I have to make life the way I want it to be. Am I rambling, or am I making sense????? You tell me, you come to my blog, I hope I inspire, I hope I challenge you to be a better person and most of all I hope I inspire you to be you!!!

Thinkin about stuff

Sitting here tonight watching Taylor sleep on the couch I've realized, I worry too much, I stress about stuff out of my control, I try to be a perfectionist, and I don't laugh enough.
Seeing her after her being unwell for a week lay there so contently I realize life is good for her, she is content, the little things in life make her happy, she tries to please us far too much, and she is sorry often for things she has not control of.
Just thinking tonight has made me realize that I need to make room for more time with the one's I love, worry less about not working and change the things I can about the money I don't have and spend less cause I don't have it. I need to use more of what I have and not buy new stuff just because I think I need it, and I've realized that writing down these things that I am thinking about is making me realize more how important life is and not to not appreciate it.

Why am I thinking about all of this............I was on the phone with my father tonight, my mother got on the phone and again as usual stated the man on the phone wasn't my father, that she thinks he's my/our uncle. She couldn't remember his name, and wasn't sure why he wanted to know all her business. He's been in her life forever, and it's him she doesn't know. I can't imagine how he feels. His heart must hurt but he says he sometimes laughs and teases her. She kissed him goodnight and he asked why if she didn't know him was she kissing him. Her reply, I kiss all the men before I go to bed at night. You see she sees several people in the house, all with the same name, and all come to do jobs, none are her husband or when he is there he's not there for long and not often enough. He's there every day seven/twenty four, goes no where and is the only one there.

So why am I thinking about all I am. Because life is short, but not just short, life can so easily be forgotten, mental illness is cruel, it robs those who remember of so much and for those who are effected by it, it truly is sad. It hurts to see my mom's mental being the way it is, but it is the way it is. She sees things the way she does, and we know things the way they are. It hurts that she does not remember so much, so that is why today I've decided to--live life, laugh lots and love those who are in my life with all my heart, not that I don't already but to really make a conscious effort of doing it and not creating stress like I do because of worrying about everything so much. Today is today and tomorrow today may be forgotten. There are not guarantees that life will always be the same, it can change in a minute, make that minute count!!!

Thinking about stuff......

Not so sure where my thoughts are with the health care system we have. Frustration is probably my number one enemy right now. Trying to figure things out, waiting for the doctors to decide what they are going to do, and then trying to figure out what my mother will agree to be involved with. One doctor says one thing, another says something else. Thinking it's time to take one day at a time and enjoy each day as it slowly happens.

Michael is doing all he can to do whatever he can. We went for our follow up about his injections for his tremors. The doctor is amazing there and has put us in again for an earlier appointment then the receptionist said was available. He has said straight out that the tremors will come back before the needles and that's already happening. I know it's upsetting him, and I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me too---my heart hurts for him when he is hurting. February can't come soon enough but like always we will wait and yup.....take one day at a time.

As a parent, child and mom I sometimes wish I could throw a temper tantrum. Don't you think it would be the ideal way to handle a problem???.....NOT, but it sure would make me feel better for a bit.

Anyway that's about it for now. Tomorrow is another day, and just like I've mentioned taking it slowly and with whatever is on our plates we will deal with as it comes. Each day is a new day, with new hurdles and new challenges. Each one will be taken on and dealt with, look out world, I won't have a temper tantrum just yet but well maybe one day and who knows where. I'll keep yah guessing....lol.

HaPpY NeW YeArS

Haven't been here for a bit. Life has really gotten in the way. Thought I would update and sort of let yah know where things have been........... remember that diagnoses of Alzheimer's that my mom was given a way back a bit ago????? Well I argued it and would refused to believe it.

After an MRI that showed a tumor, non cancerous, on my mother's brain, our new family doctor, who I must say suggested I write down all my concerns and ask lots of questions, made an appointment for my mother to see a neurosurgeon. Well, I did, and he answered. I wasn't there for the appointment, as it was scheduled when I was working, and probably because of how I opposed the diagnoses they really weren't wanting me there. Well, the neurosurgeon asks questions, reads the note I sent, completes a few memory tests, and comes to the conclusion that YUP, I was right. She does not have Alzheimer's, he comments that she is far to smart and her ability to keep on track is not of that that someone would demonstrate with the disease.

As my father says when I asked him how he was feeling..........first sad, then upset then sad again....you see it's not the first time the medical profession has botched up. I won't even go into the number of times, but truly it would make your head swim. I have very little faith, no respect and absolutely no want to have something ever attempted to be fixed again if it really ain't broken.

So where do we go from here??? Apparently my mother was on medication that was far to strong with the amount being far to much, that was changed after a fast visit to our new family doctor. Apparently there is concern for the damage the strokes she has had have done. However, can you imagine the day before Christmas Eve, the doctor called who made more than one wrong diagnoses and put them all on paper in a letter to my parents, to see if my mother would agree to being in the hospital for a few days to have a complete review of her medications, and her health. First off, how sad that she felt the need to call, especially her timing, and on the phone would not even mention that she was wrong but that the neurosurgeon's report makes some recommendations, but she would love to have my mother in again to reassess. Oh I should mention she is a specialist in one medical area and totally suggested that my mother does not fit into this category.
My thoughts, the medical field is totally a guessing game, no one knows which side is up. That doctors refuse to admit error, and hide behind reassessments, and that most doctors think they are "God like", and only they not the specialists know what they are doing.

How do I feel??? A lot like how my father feels with a whole lot of anger in there. Where do we go??? We aren't sure. What will we do, we don't know. My mother wants nothing to do with the doctor who was wrong, she wants nothing to do with her or her place of work. We will have to make some decisions. Who knows where they will take us. I am truly hoping that 2012 is a whole lot different than 2011. Here's to whatever awaits around the corner. Keep us in your thoughts, and please always asks lots of questions and if you don't agree, don't give in, the health of a loved one might be jeopardized if you do.

I learned today......

Early today I phoned my father to see if he needed to run any errands as I was heading over their way and would stop in if he was needing out of the house to do anything. As yesterday was Remembrance Day he was not able to get his banking done so today he took advantage of doing that and getting his hair cut. As usual of late my mom was laying in bed trying to catch her breath. Something she is out of lately quite quickly trying to do anything. Well we lay there we talked about all kinds of things. She is sure that there are many people working where she lives. That it is just not my father but many who do all the work about the "place". This place has been my parents home since long before I was born. As she talked, I interrupted which I do often no matter who is talking, it's just me and my bad habit, anyway, I took the opportunity to ask questions about what my mom actually does remember of her life. Sometimes things should be left alone, maybe then there wouldn't be upset and heartache on my part. Anyway, she was talking about the "man" that was there and left. That man being my father but her not remembering. Anyway, she talked and she said she knows people say he's her husband but she knows otherwise. So I asked, if he's your husband, does that mean I'm your daughter? and her reply was that of-well they tell me you are but I don't remember any of that part of my life. Did it hurt? Yes. Why did I ask? I'm not really sure, maybe I just thoughts she might say of course silly you are, but her response hurt, and later when I was alone it brought tears to my eyes. Imagine not knowing much of your life, not remembering your family, not understanding a huge part of your life. But when we talked she remembered her mother, her aunt and her grandmother, and she talked of them and how they played different roles in her life. I just don't get it, but I did learn that if I don't ask questions then I won't be hurt. Is that a good thing????

Something I just can't get my mind around.....

It's funny how the brain works, one day you seem to understand what's going on around you and the next the world is a huge scary place.

Working in the profession I do, child care, I often feel so for the little ones brought into a place that is unknown to them, dropped off in some strangers arms and left for a day without an understanding of what really is going on around them.

Then along comes Alzheimer's disease into my life. Sort of like that first day of child care, there is that person you've known all your life, you call them mom and they look at you like you don't belong there. They don't know who you are, and they feel so lost and alone. My mom has no idea of so much of what has gone on in her life. She asks my father often to call her husband, she asks me to come into the back room and talk to her about the "man" in the house. She has no idea who he is and at night she is often afraid in bed because she has no idea who is laying next to her.

As I write this, I wonder if at some point my life will be the same, if I too will have this dreadful disease. It's strange how life can turn and twist and you really only be there doing whatever it is you are to do. We think we are in control of everything, that we know what we will do each day, that we plan and do what we feel is needing to be done. I laugh when I think of this, I don't plan things so much any more. I don't want to be disappointed or disappoint anyone. Planning use to give me something to look forward to, now if things don't happen like I think they should then my upset is great. So I take each day as it comes, look for the good in it and try to understand what is happening all about me.

My mother is a very intelligent woman, it sometimes terrifies me to know she feels so lost, so unaware of who's around her, so fearful. Just like that child dropped off in that place I call work, but to them is just a big building that mommy or daddy leave them in. How fearful it must be for them. Then I sit and think of how fearful it must be for my mom, her house is unrecognized, her husband isn't the person she thinks it should be, and I her daughter never existed. What must she think when she looks at my tears and see tears over what she doesn't remember. As I write this my heart is heavy and my tears are great. I miss my mom just like that child must miss their's when they are left at that place where someone is caring for them. I tell that little one their mom or dad will be back later, I just wish my mom would be back.

haven't posted for a bit..............

not so sure why. Sometimes I think if I ignore life it will just go away.

I see the look in my mothers eyes. The confusion during conversations is difficult to figure out, she deserves an "A" for effort in not trying to upset anyone as she really does not know who we are, and does not let on, at times we are able to figure out her confusion by comments she makes, and at those times it brings tears to my eyes. My father and I have had several conversations, he is a hero in my books for all he is doing. I've always known how lucky I am to have him as my father but even today I learn so much from him and I am so proud of who he is and all he does. I do cry more than I think I ever have, and I know that crying only causes headaches, but it does help sometimes and if that's what I have to do to make myself feel a wee bit better than I'll shed tears when I have to and laugh when I can. Laughter really is the best medicine.

Taylor came home with a note yesterday, and right now my hubby is sitting at the computer emailing her teacher a letter. Her concerns are of Taylor's fidgeting in class. Wow, with all Taylor has going on in her life, I'd pleased if I were a teacher and this is how she is using her time to relieve her stresses. Often I learn from Taylor, however one thing I can't understand is how a teacher with knowledge of a child's issues in her life---and there are many, can actually focus on fidgeting and it's distraction for the class. When I hear all else that is going on in the class it just causes me to shake my head.
This is just one more thing that is put on that plate that is already piled high. Will we deal with it, yes, do we want assistance from the teacher, yes. Do we think Taylor needs to be disciplined by the teacher, NO, but that's not for us to say, it's her environment and all we can do it hope that Taylor comes to some sort of way of coping that fits into the teacher's little box of allowment-is that a word??? so that she is not disciplined again, and that one day soon she may have that desk back to use. Yup the teacher took her desk and turned it back around so that there is not the opportunity to put things into it. That is a priviledge and has to be earned. Taylor earned her desks once, but had it taken away when she wasn't sitting still, go figure.

It's a total walk in the dark

never knowing who will be recognized, who will not be known and who will be the one to make my mom feel comforted is like taking a walk in the total dark and not knowing where you will end up or where you've been, you'll just know when you get there that it's suppose to be where you are. Does it make sense???? Not to me either. I look at pictures I've taken of my mom with Taylor or my dad, and in her eyes I see fear. Fear of not knowing who she is with, fear of not understanding what is going on about her. It's hard to explain, she puts on a real good front, she will remember my name when someone says it, she'll know who my father is when I call him dad, but does she really? My heart aches for her, my thoughts are always about how she is doing, and how her days are. Taking each day for what it's giving us is how we have to live life, but it really is like walking in the dark.... you know that really scared feeling you get, not seeing, not being able to get your barrings, just walking in almost total blindness, maybe every now and then touching that familiar object and thinking, I'm ok, I'll be alright. Is that what a person with Alzheimer's disease has go through their mind? Or are their days full of fear of the unknown..... When we talk my mom talks about not knowing or remembering parts of her life, or times of her life....she does not remember my father, she does not know who I am and she sometimes calls Taylor, Kim. She does seem to know Michael, he is her one constant, the person who can comfort her, the person who can make her laugh, and that's ok. At least we know she has someone that she recognizes, who knows why she doesn't remember us, but such is the way things are now. Each day is a new experience. I'll just keep taking that walk in the dark, because one day the light will go on and she will remember the one's she forgotten and if that day never happens then it's the memories we have of the past that we hold on to. Right???

YesTerDay....

wasn't a good day. Today I set goals I wanted to achieve and guess what---everything I wanted to do got done!!! Not so sure if I've mentioned lately all that is on my plate--it actually is alot and I've come to realize that so far I've managed it all well. Not so sure how anyone else would manage, but I am wondering. Guess you could say, every now and then I have a down day, yesterday was really one of the first that I actually sat and wrote how down I really felt. The today I thought I'd better post what's on my plate so that people know I'm really not a Debbie Downer.

So where do I begin, well here goes.....
2009 hubby in serious auto accident, sustained head injury creating memory and cognitive issues as well as injury to spine

2009 daughter diagnosed Type 1 Diabetic - then one year later told her was not and to stop administering insulin--oh did I mention she was only nine at the time-there are still issues with her blood sugars and we are still no wiser as to what the matter is
2010 my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, varied Dementia, and after several falls which the family doctor did nothing about, several injuries which impede activity

2011 myself three surgeries, one to fix the first two that were not done properly, and that further complications resulted from lack of doctors taking the time to do their jobs right

2011 daughter fell down stairs---held onto the rail, didn't let go and has torn all the muscles about and on the rotor cuff, surgery possible in the next few days/week, oh and she's now ten

add to that the stress of not working daily, the issues of common cold, flu and other nasty things that happen once school starts and well, now you totally see where I am coming from. There's a whole lot more thrown in there that is needing to be dealt with daily but I won't get into all the nittygritty, however yestersday was a bad day---today is better :)

All I need to remember is I do have friends, I have a wonderful husband, and my daughter is fantastic. These are the positive things that make my life good, and I am very thankful for.