Saturday, May 11, 2013

It's been a bit..................

Often I sit and think about logging onto my blog and typing away all the thoughts that come to my mind. Then I sit and the emotions take over the thoughts so I sit some more and then the thoughts are gone and the emotions are deep so I just never log on. Vicious circle, I guess cause it seems like I haven't been here forever and when I look at the date of the last post it has been a long time. Things aren't a lot different in life, I can day dream and hope that they might be different when I wake but it's never the happening. Having very little say on what's going on as my father is the one in charge, it's difficult. He is there, taking care of my mother twenty four, seven, with little help from anyone. He feels I have too much on my plate with all that is gong on in my life, so he does not like to ask things of me. That bothers me, I am there for him, he does know that. We talk nightly, that seems to be his savior, but sometimes that is cut short by my mother's wanting to go to bed, or impatient with waiting for him to help her take her pills. Sundowners is real. It's a nightly thing where my mother wants to go home. She insists she does not live where she is living, she argues that it is not her home, and she cries almost every night because no one understands her or loves her enough to help her get to where she has to go. We reassure her, tell her she is safe, that it is her home and has been for the past fifty years. Sometimes she will agree but most nights she sits angry, to be all forgotten when she wakes the next day. It's always in our memory how angry she becomes, we forgive and try to forget. It's hard. It's real to her and that's all that matters to her, to us it's useless to argue, but sometimes that button is pushed and the argument in on. Staring into space, and thinking thoughts that she never shares happens often. I'd love to be able to crawl inside her mind, to know what she is thinking. I've almost got it figured out that she is stuck somewhere between fifteen and twenty in her mind. Those are the years she talks of in relation to doing things. She will talk about skating and not going back to lessons, she will talk about quitting guides, and she has even related the house she wants to go home nightly to the one she was living in at that time. She remembers only bits and pieces, like a puzzle with pieces missing. Nothing really comes together, spaces empty, not remembering who I am or who my father is. Life does go on, thoughts do happen and are forgotten, I haven't forgotten about blogging, think I just took a little break. I'll try to be back more often to leave some thoughts on what's happening in life at that time. Thanks for reading if you have read this far. Maybe we are on the same journey, just living in different parts of this big world. Leave a comment, let me know your thoughts. Everyday something new is learned, maybe we can help each other walk the path of the journey we are on, making it safely with those we love close by.

3 comments:

Lori Syed said...

It's a difficult road that you are on. My mom was taking care of my grandmother and not accepting any help or suggestions. The sundowning was really tough, it would last late into the night, and my mom was getting so worn out. I was only home for the summer, but would be returning to my home and teaching job in the fall. I had such a tough time convincing my mom to place my grandmother in a care unit, which was very good, filled with dedicated care-givers. My argument was that while I had many years of living with my grandmother (30 in fact), I was worried that the children I was yet to have would not get the same opportunity with their grandmother. My grandmother did well until her death due to renal failure, but more importantly,my mom regained some of her former self. Perhaps, this kind of arguement could be used with your father. Best wishes!

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jo cox said...

I have never personally been through this but until 3 years ago I worked in residential homes for the elderly. I lost count of the amount of times I thought how much harder this situation is on the rest of the family. the person concerned is in their own world, one where their loved ones only get to have occasional glimpses, like looking through a window