It's been a bit..................

Often I sit and think about logging onto my blog and typing away all the thoughts that come to my mind. Then I sit and the emotions take over the thoughts so I sit some more and then the thoughts are gone and the emotions are deep so I just never log on. Vicious circle, I guess cause it seems like I haven't been here forever and when I look at the date of the last post it has been a long time. Things aren't a lot different in life, I can day dream and hope that they might be different when I wake but it's never the happening. Having very little say on what's going on as my father is the one in charge, it's difficult. He is there, taking care of my mother twenty four, seven, with little help from anyone. He feels I have too much on my plate with all that is gong on in my life, so he does not like to ask things of me. That bothers me, I am there for him, he does know that. We talk nightly, that seems to be his savior, but sometimes that is cut short by my mother's wanting to go to bed, or impatient with waiting for him to help her take her pills. Sundowners is real. It's a nightly thing where my mother wants to go home. She insists she does not live where she is living, she argues that it is not her home, and she cries almost every night because no one understands her or loves her enough to help her get to where she has to go. We reassure her, tell her she is safe, that it is her home and has been for the past fifty years. Sometimes she will agree but most nights she sits angry, to be all forgotten when she wakes the next day. It's always in our memory how angry she becomes, we forgive and try to forget. It's hard. It's real to her and that's all that matters to her, to us it's useless to argue, but sometimes that button is pushed and the argument in on. Staring into space, and thinking thoughts that she never shares happens often. I'd love to be able to crawl inside her mind, to know what she is thinking. I've almost got it figured out that she is stuck somewhere between fifteen and twenty in her mind. Those are the years she talks of in relation to doing things. She will talk about skating and not going back to lessons, she will talk about quitting guides, and she has even related the house she wants to go home nightly to the one she was living in at that time. She remembers only bits and pieces, like a puzzle with pieces missing. Nothing really comes together, spaces empty, not remembering who I am or who my father is. Life does go on, thoughts do happen and are forgotten, I haven't forgotten about blogging, think I just took a little break. I'll try to be back more often to leave some thoughts on what's happening in life at that time. Thanks for reading if you have read this far. Maybe we are on the same journey, just living in different parts of this big world. Leave a comment, let me know your thoughts. Everyday something new is learned, maybe we can help each other walk the path of the journey we are on, making it safely with those we love close by.

Never stop believing.....

I arrived at my mother and father's place a few weeks back to find my mother in an awful state. Over night her health deterriorated to a degree that actually scared me. We dialled 9*1*1 and within minutes had the help we needed at the house. When we arrived at the hospital an amazing emergency geriatric nurse arrived in the room who turned out to be an angel in disguise. She made recommendations to the emergency doctor and within no time at all tests were ordered and a shock of a diagnoses came about. We who know nothing about alzhemeirs thought it was just part of the condition, however there was a blockage to the small intestine. They within no time had machines hooked up and a medical plan in place for observation for the next 48 hours to be crucial as to whether or not surgery was to be scheduled. Well it didn't happen, the blockage disappered and with time my mother was able to move and again preform daily tasks that we thought would never be able to happen again because of the advantacement of the alzhemiers or a possible stroke. Never stop believing that your loved one is stronger than you think they are. My mother said she was going to beat this, she has. She is a trooper. She is home again after a stay in the hospital, there are supports for a bit put in place, and she is smiling and laughing which wasn't happening in the emergency room. Thank you to those who cared for her, thank you for those who told us a few things to expect. One thing leanred for sure was that when a person who has alzhemiers is ill, they may become more confused or even go into a delirum. This is normal, and if we had of known that in the beginning it might of made things easier. Keep that in mind, and never stop beleiving in the person you love and the many ways they can be effected, that if they seem more confused that usual it just might be somthing due to illness or medicine. Be there for them, be their advocate for them and love them with all your heart.

If I dIDn'T laUgH.....

I might cry.............. We spent a wonderful afternoon and evening at my parents house yesterday celebrating Father's Day. Taylor woke early, headed to my scrap space in the basement first off and made her dad a card. It was adorable and he loved it. As the day progressed we got ready and headed for dinner at my parents. My father wanted to cook a roast but with the temperatures outside there was no need to heat the house up and make the airconditior work double time, so I suggested a pizza. Take out food has got to be the best, who ever invented it must of been celebrating something when they came up with the idea because it really is the way to handle quick fast dinners for everyone to enjoy. Anyway, over we went with pizza and cake in hand. If you have been following my blog you'll understand my situation. There we sat in the living room and the first incidnet happened. All was quiet and my mother broke out with her arms waving in the air like she was conducting a choir singing Happy Birthday, after all she did see a cake come into the kitchen. She had no idea who's birthday it was but she wanted everyone to join in with her singing. So I did, why not, it was fun and if I didn't laugh at all the little things that are going on with this dreaded disease taking over her life I just might cry. Well out comes my father breaking in when she is right in the middle of the chorus and said........"hon it's no one's brithday." Now come on, the going was good and we weren't laughing at, we were laughing with my wodnerful mom. That was the first indient to quickly be joined by the second, when we were sitting at the table all eating dinner. There was a quiet moment and my mom started again, in full volume singing away, then looking at Taylor, signalling her to join in and there sat Taylor, eyes wide open full of I'm not so sure of what running through her head. So I spoke, and said mom remember it's Father's Day, no one's birthday in a quiet voice, once again there was silence. With her cheeks a little flushed my mom quickly stopped singing, smiled oddly and said...oh I know that. We all laughed again. It's true, you have to live in the moment, find little things to laugh about, try hard not to look at the person for who she was but for who she is, and enjoy all the little things that come along each day. It's those things that make the disease a little easier to bare. Don't get me wrong, I do my fair share of crying, but I really am trying to learn to let the little things that go on just do that, go on. Often I am at my parents and my mom will say she wants to go home. Tonight when I was there she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay for the night at the house she was at, or to leave and go home. There is no other house and there is no other home. Tonight she settled easily being told that there isn't another home, but on the day when she really wants to leave, my plan is to drive her around the blog, pull back into the drive way and announce we are home....Think that will work???? Who knows but it might just be one of those things that makes me laugh because like I said, if I didn't laugh I would cry.

It seems I only post when......

my thoughts are deep and my heart is hurting. Mother's Day, isn't it suppose to be a day for sharing your love with the one who brought you into this world??? The person who knows you better than you know yourself??? The person who you can turn to when the world seems to have turned against you???Yet, the person who was there for me, the person I knew growing up and the person who is still living in that same house, with my father doesn't even know or remember me, my father, or the past.How must the world feel to her??? I know my thoughts are torn and tattered, but she must feel fear, she doesn't know her past, she can't remember living in that house, and she really doesn't know who I am until I call her mom. I haven't lost the person the person has just lost the memories of us. It hurts, tears are streaming down my face as I type this, but I have to get my feelings out somewhere and when I type them here then they are out for me read, acknowledge and read over and over again. Is that a good thing???My father always said one say she was going to wake up and not know her past. I never believed that, maybe I just didn't want to believe it. Now it's real, she sits and listens to our conversations and says very little. She is confused, I can tell by the look on her face, scared, frightened and worried. She looks at us like we are complete strangers, and to her we are. Today I feel like I have hit my emotional wall. No, I feel like I have run into it traveling ever so fast,hit the cement and crashed to a stop.Mother's day, how can I be happy to be one, when I feel the way I do about not having one who remembers me??? Maybe I'm scared I will someday forget my life, maybe I am scared that I too will look about and not know my home, my family or my friends. That really does bother me, not knowing what my future will bring, seeing today and knowing it's not enjoyable for the ones who do remember, the one's who love her with all their hearts and know she is worried about loving back. Last night Taylor and I were at Walmart, she saw the movie "The Vow" on sale. She started to tell me about it and I looked at her and softly said, "why would I want to see a movie about a person forgetting everything about them when my own mother doesn't remember me"???She looked at me and said, "yah I guess that wouldn't be nice would it" and then in a quiet voice said "sorry" and grabbed for my hand. Not fair for an eleven year old to have that dumped on them, I know but I believe in being honest, sometimes honesty hurts but it is the truth.Lately my mother is asking to go home. That the house she is in is not where she lives, yet she has lived there for over fifty years. She often talks about her grandparents in the present tense, like they are still alive. I told her the other night that her grandfather was dead before I was born. She asked why no one told her that. She isn't sleeping through the nights when she is upset. My father is kept awake with her questions, questions she asks over and over again. I know that I should be happy, my mother is still alive. Yes, for that I am so grateful, she is there for us to share company with, to visit and to talk to. If only she could just take a step forward or back and the clock of unkind health would turn and erase this awful nightmare she lives in. It does seem like the only time I post here is when my heart is hurting, not often do I feel like I've crashed into that wall, but today when I have done the few things that I have done, and each thing is a reminder that Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday, I share my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions. It's best that I do it here, I'm not bringing upset or frustration with my anywhere when I spend a few moments here typing down my feelings. Venting really does help the soul, and this is my space to vent after all. Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it's just a way to get things out there, either way, it's my space and it' what this space is for.

Thinking about nothing much and venting

I sort of needed to post this tonight, just to get things off my chest. This blog seems to be my place to just vent and well tonight I feel I really need to do just that. Things aren't good, and if I had a shadow today I think I would be fighting with it.... so with that said you would be right if you guessed I am fighting, well not fighting but just not getting along with the important people in my life right now, including my mother, my father, my husband, and myself. For a change Taylor isn't included in this mix. She seems to be my saviour right now, my one and only I am able to laugh with. Even after tonight she tells me she lost her desk because when her teacher was having another hissy fit she decided to take out a piece of paper and draw. Now what's wrong with that??? Her father told her to put her head down on the table and cover up her ears. What's more disrespectful, doing that or just drawing. Anyway, I told her congrats she's not perfect like she always thinks she needs to be. Anyway, I'm not in a good mood, not in a great mood in fact in a mood that really sucks and I just can't figure out a way to get out of it.
Tonight I asked someone how to get happy, and they didn't know. How sad when you can't figure that out. If you have any suggestions please let me know I'd be happy to try anything about right now. Leave me a comment I'd love to hear your thoughts!!!

New Resolution

I made a few New Years Resolutions this year and so far haven't kept one. However today when I was visiting my mom and dad a resolution popped into my head that I am truly going to keep. You see every time I visit my mother there is a conversation that goes like this......

My mom.......you don't understand it, there are a lot of them that come here to work
Me....no mom there is only dad.
My mom.......you just don't get it, I'm not making this up!!!
Me.... honestly mom there is only dad
My mom.......there are a lot of them and they all say they have the same name.....you just don't get it

....this conversation goes on every time I talk to her, whether it's on the phone or I am there.
Tonight she asked me to come into a room in the back of the house with her. Off we went, and once there she began to talk.........she found a bunch of pajamas on the spare bed, she began to show them to me, each one she held up asking if it would fit. As she held them up she continued to tell me that one of the men was cleaning and decided to clean out her pajama drawer.
As I stood there, watching her and listening to her words, I decided I was not going to try to change her mind, I was not going to attempt to correct her. She knew what went on in her own mind and she was gong about her business in her own way. She was proud to give me those clothing items, she was happy to see them fit. She knew they were hers and hers to give away, but it made me sad. You see that man who did the laundry was my father, the one who does the cooking and cleaning. The one who makes her meals, gives her her pills, and the one who is there all the time to see and keep her safe.
But, today I resolved to a new resolution. To not argue, to just let the moments go. To not say anything about the man that was there, or the men that come and go. But to just live in the moment. That's hard for me, I want things to be right, I want things to be ok, I want things to be the way they use to be. But that will not happen, things are the way they are now, never to be the way they were. I have to understand that, I have to move on, and not want them to be the way they were before my mother forgot our lives. She is still my mother, she is still the person who I look up to, it hurts me to see how fragile she has become, she was my pillar, my hero, my mom. As I type this the tears are flowing from my eyes, I wish that I could call her and chat, but that is too much for her, conversations are over her head. Life can be cruel, not for her, but for me, I want her to be who she used to be. Wishing for that is like trying to fly. I'll never get off the ground unless I am in a plane, and my mother will never be who she was unless we turn back the hands of time. So my resolution is to let her live in her world, to visit her world with her, to ask her questions about what is going on in her world, and to know that in her world there are fears, worries and frustrations. But like me trying to fly without having wings, I just have to accept that some things are not meant to be. Life does go on and I need to remember the times we shared when she was who she use to be, and now that she is who she is to live and learn and take each day as it comes. Do I have a message for anyone who reads my blog??? Yes, that message would be, make a new resolution daily, one you know you can try to keep, one that is not to difficult to include everyone in that you love, but make is simple enough so that no matter what happens it can be kept, even if just for that day. That way your heart will never be broke, your life will be simple and you will always be happy, and if you can't be any of those things, just live in the moment. Do whatever it is that you have to do, but know that there is a reason you do to it. You might not know why now but you will in time. That simple resolution might just help you make it through tough times. I am sure tough times are in everyone's life not just mine. Make your life for you, make memories for you and whoever is in your life. Make those new resolutions one's you can keep because life is full of disappointments, don't make life disappointing, just make it one you can look back on and say, hey I did it and I'm who I am and proud of me because me is all I have to make life the way I want it to be. Am I rambling, or am I making sense????? You tell me, you come to my blog, I hope I inspire, I hope I challenge you to be a better person and most of all I hope I inspire you to be you!!!

Thinkin about stuff

Sitting here tonight watching Taylor sleep on the couch I've realized, I worry too much, I stress about stuff out of my control, I try to be a perfectionist, and I don't laugh enough.
Seeing her after her being unwell for a week lay there so contently I realize life is good for her, she is content, the little things in life make her happy, she tries to please us far too much, and she is sorry often for things she has not control of.
Just thinking tonight has made me realize that I need to make room for more time with the one's I love, worry less about not working and change the things I can about the money I don't have and spend less cause I don't have it. I need to use more of what I have and not buy new stuff just because I think I need it, and I've realized that writing down these things that I am thinking about is making me realize more how important life is and not to not appreciate it.

Why am I thinking about all of this............I was on the phone with my father tonight, my mother got on the phone and again as usual stated the man on the phone wasn't my father, that she thinks he's my/our uncle. She couldn't remember his name, and wasn't sure why he wanted to know all her business. He's been in her life forever, and it's him she doesn't know. I can't imagine how he feels. His heart must hurt but he says he sometimes laughs and teases her. She kissed him goodnight and he asked why if she didn't know him was she kissing him. Her reply, I kiss all the men before I go to bed at night. You see she sees several people in the house, all with the same name, and all come to do jobs, none are her husband or when he is there he's not there for long and not often enough. He's there every day seven/twenty four, goes no where and is the only one there.

So why am I thinking about all I am. Because life is short, but not just short, life can so easily be forgotten, mental illness is cruel, it robs those who remember of so much and for those who are effected by it, it truly is sad. It hurts to see my mom's mental being the way it is, but it is the way it is. She sees things the way she does, and we know things the way they are. It hurts that she does not remember so much, so that is why today I've decided to--live life, laugh lots and love those who are in my life with all my heart, not that I don't already but to really make a conscious effort of doing it and not creating stress like I do because of worrying about everything so much. Today is today and tomorrow today may be forgotten. There are not guarantees that life will always be the same, it can change in a minute, make that minute count!!!