Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A total vent just to get things off my chest

Today started just like any other day, Taylor was up, breakfast was had and off I drove her to school. Home again, crashed for a bit then up and off to what should of been a simple pre-op appointment at the hospital for surgery for Friday.

Nope, not so, nothing is simple in my world, EVER.

Got there on time, in we went and met with the the doctor who would over see the procedure and put me to sleep. Well, in he comes, listens to me explain my undiagnosed bleeding disorder that has made my life miserable, and says....he's needing to speak to my hematologist. Should be simple, right???

Nope, not so, nothing is simple in my world, EVER.

Out he goes after a nurse has made the call, we hear the conversation, it's hot and heated in the end. The doctor that called is to put it mildly, pissed. There we sit, waiting for him to come back into the room. Guess he needed to cool down, it's a few minutes later and back he comes. He suggests he's going to speak to the doctor who is doing the surgery. Off he goes. A few minutes later he comes back, and you call tell he's still ruffled under the collar. He calls me back into the room, and mentions he's keeping his fingers crossed the doctor doing the surgery can get information from the hematologist. That as it stands at this point the surgery might, yup might, be a go, but if not would be in my best interest as they need to administer DDAVP and that the hematologist is not providing the information they need nor does he have time to see me. I'm trying to keep my cool in all of this, if I should type out what happened that last surgery regarding the administration of this it would make your temper flair, little own mine. I'm just ticked by now and hoping that his fingers crossed are enough to have the surgery take place. What next???

Off we go to my parents for dinner. It's been difficult lately with my mom forgetting who I am and the hurt that that involves. When we arrive today my father calls me out into the kitchen to talk. He mentions he's made an appointment for him and mom my at the local hospital for her to be assessed to see if she has Alzheimer's. All I will say is I'm not coping well, I started to cry there and tonight again broke down. I'm able to talk to Taylor about it. Telling her that nana is having difficulty remembering things. That mommy is having a hard time accepting this, that acceptance is a part of dealing with a problem and right now I am trying to work things out but just not able to get my emotions about things.

Everyone keeps telling us to write that book, I think if I did I'd need more support for depression, because it would bring back a whole lot of things we've dealt with over the last three years. Wow, they say things are suppose to make you stronger, and that things happen for a reason. I try to find the positive, I think for the most I manage to find the silver lining. But today, it's been a day full of rain and grey skies, hopefully soon the sun will shine and with that my mood will be uplifted because right about now, I need that silver lining at the end of the rainbow to make me feel better. Thanks for reading if you have read this this far.

It helps me to write things out, it makes a problem seem a little less when I read it again and again. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's not but it's my place to vent and it's just a way to get things off my chest.


Cathie said...

Well, I have degrees in counseling and taught crisis counseling at a university, so here's what I would say if you were chatting to me-

there are things you can control, and things you cant. YOUR memories of the GOOD times are still there- you have them- and you and your mom shared them and they CANT be taken away because they DID exist- whether she remembers or not, they are real. They brought her pleasure too.

Along with the good things she cant remember, she also can not remember the bad. Every day may be a fresh start- but remember, with this disease, what she cant remember one day may change the next (a roller coaster, true-) so you can't assume something is always "lost" to you. See what she does THAT day- and try to find something in it to enjoy.

Cry when you need to, and self talk. Tell yourself SHE might not remember, "BUT I DO."

Sometimes the best therapy for YOU is to help OTHERS who are coping. Teamwork is a powerful thing. When my dog was dying who did pet therapy, the last stop I took her to was to her senior who had developed Alzheimers. Mary didnt remember ever seeing Mikki- but Mikki did. And it meant the world to her. It can still mean the world to you- if you decide that as long as you have the memories, they exist for both of you.

Love ya!
Cathie from the linnie forum

Me said...

thank you Cathie for taking the time and sharing your words
they mean alot and the time you spent typing them is special
thank you so much from the bottom of my heart