Saturday, December 12, 2009

Can't understand why......warning long winded post.

Today has been one of those days where I just can't comprehend life. It's been a week of whirl wind emotions, but today I think has been one of the hardest in a long, long time.
We went up to see Michael's father today. He as been transferred from the critical care floor in the hospital to the palliative care floor at a residence centre. After dropping Taylor off at karate we headed up to find him in a terrible state of pain and suffering. He was discontent laying in the bed, tried to sit up, was unable to do so without shaking terribly and then wanted to lay down again but could not get comfortable. Seeing him in the state broke my heart but what hurt the most was that when we were leaving he was finally laying somewhat peacefully that it was best that I not give him my usual kiss on his foreheaed, as the sides of the bed were up and we didn't want to wake him. We left his room, me in tears, hubby barely holding on to have to stand and wait for an elevator. I didn't see the nurse come up from behind, who knows maybe she was ahead of us. However she was on the elevator when I stood and cried in hubby's arms without even realizing she was there. When I could finally muster up enough ability to speak without crying I commented to hubby about us being kinder to our pets than we are to each other making each other suffer so in the midst of waiting for our bodies to break down enough till we just can't go on. This kind nurse, who had been there watching started to talk. She first asked if Michael was the son of the person's room we were in. When she found out he was, she spoke to us of the last few days that she had been in to take care of Michael's father. She spoke of all he ate, drank, and the medicines he had been given. She knew of his pain, of his discomfort and she knew of our pain and emotions. She spoke so compassionately and yet with such conviction of her profession that she made us feel so safe and comfortable with her being there to take care of him when we can't. Do I believe in angels? I do, and I truly believe this nurse is one in the job she is doing. I just can't understand why we have to suffer and why there isn't a cure to cancer, there must be one or something that can be done to minimize what people must go through. I just can't understand why life is sometimes so cruel.

After having left the residence where we spent a few hours sitting just holding Michael's father's hand while he slept, we headed out to attempt to do some Christmas shopping. It wasn't easy to change our mood or spirits, but for Taylor we must create and make her holiday one that she has fond memories of the happiness of all the miracles of the holiday. If only she knew and understood, but she doesn't and would not understand, that financially life will be very stressful over the next few weeks financially, for we have just found out that hubby's benefits for short term illness run out just before Christmas and that he will be on a very minimual recieving end of money for fifteen weeks, again we are screwed--sorry for the language, but honestly, he is the victim, he was hit from behind on the 401 while stopped by a driver driving between 60 and 70 kms.
Anyway, when out shopping we only walked a short distance in a local mall, but that was enough to create havoc on hubby's body. He was in such discomfort as his pain meds had wore off, that it truly broke my heart to see his inability to walk without pain.
I'm sitting here writing this knowing that it's alot of jumbled words telling about a day full of emotional distress and upset, but I have to have a place to vent. My blog is a place where I'm able to write about my feelings, share my thoughts and well if anyone really is reading, it's words for them to understand my emotions right now. We have been told that hubby is probably being videotaped and that he is probably being watched daily for all his activity. I invite that person or people into our home, we have nothing to hide. We walked in the door tonight, hubby headed right up stairs to bed, painfully took off his clothing, dressed in his casual clothes, took his meds for pain and a sleeping pill with gravel because the sleeping pill alone causes nightmares, and has been laying in the bed quietly waiting till the medications somewhat relieve some of the pain.
I have to remind myself to not be to emotional for the sake of Taylor not making any more than what she already is stressed. I invite those people who may be watching us into our lives to see how this life of the last year has been. We have not had a picnic, it has been a nightmare. Taylor has not slept the last eleven weeks worrying about her father, her grandfather, her recent diagnoses of diabetes, and her math marks which have dropped drastically, and are bothering her immensely. However in all her drama and turmoil she has successfully tested last night for her fifth belt in karate. The test was almost an hour in length with probably close to fifteen kadas having to be preformed, and she successfully passed. Tomorrow she will get her next belt, for that I am grateful as it's something that will put a smile on our faces and in our hearts as we are so very proud of her.
With all I have written if you have read this far, love your loved ones. Treat each day as a special one, dance like no one is watching, use your good china as if it's that last time you will drink from that cup and that you don't want it in the cupboard collecting dust, and live life as if each moment might be your last. Cherish each day, believe in all you do, and hug your loved ones always and tell them how much you love them. Your actions and words will make someones heart happy, and will put a memory in their mind that will be pleasant to think of one day and remember as a good time in life!

5 comments:

Leslie said...

Hang in there, Lisa! Continue to stay your wonderful positive self! Way to go, Taylor! Love ya!
Leslie

Marcie said...

So sorry for what you are going through Lisa. I will pray for you and your family & hope that 2010 brings you better luck.

Anonymous said...

I think it is amazing how sometimes in life our paths cross with others...and for a moment we feel a connection that words just can not explain. As I read your post I had to stop and ask what are the chances that I ended up on THIS blog? I had to first open an email (yeah one of those subscriptions that I keep meaning to get around to but never do)...then I had to play around on wescrap.com for a bit ( a site I never do anything on) and finally read a post you made and connect on the thread to your blog. There are a thousand things I should be doing right now...the internet is not one of them, so you see I think this was meant to be. I may sound crazy, but like you everything in my life is in turmoil.
Strange as it may sound I found comfort reading your blog. Sure I hate to see anyone going through difficult times...but out there in that big crazy world of ours, there is another family just like ours...which means I am not alone.

OH...I think I need to create a blog...a place where I can vent...and share the good times and reach out to others. thinking this is a very freaky coincidence though....even the "comment moderation" word that I have to type in to make my post is the word "dying!" (the death of our parents is what drew me and my boyfriend together...diabetes, disability...yeah we have all that too!)
The holidays are a tough time...I hope you find peace for you and your family at this very challenging time in your lives!
Thanks so much for your beautiful blog!

Dena E's Blog said...

Hey Sweeite,,we're home again!!! Took a 3day card run so we'd be home with our boys (teens) during Christmas. I read your post and want you to know my heart is in prayer for you always. I will type more in an email to ya.
Here's a lil'ayer I wnat you to read and believe~in no matter what, okay~~~
O LORD~~~I believe all Your Promises, help me in my unbelief moments and some times there feels like many, through You Jesus Christ the Ultimate~~~That we will grow in Him through all our trials and look to His Promises and those around us who share in our walk and belief~~~Thanks be to You and Your many Angels~~~In Jesus name~~~Amen
Because I am your friend and want to help ease your difficult days.
Love ya Girlfriend~~~Big Hugs~~~ Dena
PS:: Our trip had many trials too and so did my life 6yrs ago,we are here to get through it together.

Dena E's Blog said...

Your advice on Cherishing is very well taken and from your deepest heart,thanks for sharing .
More Hugs Dena