Tuesday, September 13, 2011

if it weren't so tragic it would be a comedy.....

right now I'm not sure how I feel about alot of things. Firstly, it's rough I mean really rough dealing with the confusion I have about the stuff my family is going through. It's totally not ok for anyone to assume everyone knows what is going on and that if a joke is made that it is in fun not to be taken personally. I'll explain, today my father and I had a conversation about how he reacts to comments made by Michael, Taylor or I and that really sometimes his reactions are not fair. Example, tonight we are sitting there and my mom just finished opening her birthday gifts, my father had given her a bunch of scratch and wins and so Taylor and her were about to do them. My father was looking for something to scratch them with when he found a loonie and a toonie in his pocket. Innocently my hubby said, "awww give them a loonie for two loonies..........you could of cut the air with a knife, and if looks could of killed Michael would of been laying dead and about to be stuffed on the living room floor. I spoke up and said that this was exactly what I was talking about earlier today. I have had about enough, for him to only tell us that about fifty times a day my mothers asks him if she is going crazy.....did we know this???????It was a joke, any other family would of laughed, not us.... I wanted to leave, I wanted to throw his camera through the wall, and I wanted to shout WTF!!!!
But all I did was sit there, for the longest time with nothing by anyone being said....it was hard but I knew that I had better keep my mouth shut, and so I did. Why is it joking is taken so seriously, life is full of anger and frustration, and all that keeps happening is I'm getting shit for one thing or another that I either say or do????? However, what did I do???? I pulled up my big girl panties, and went about the rest of the night like nothing was wrong.........I truly believe before all of this is said and done, that slowly I will be growing crazy, no joke, total truth because if it weren't so sad and tragic what my mother is going through, and if I were on the outside looking in I just might be laughing at how funny things are when they happen. Take this for example.... my parents have been married for over fifty years, live in the same house and have owned the same car for over ten years. Yet tonight my mother walks out of the house, looks at the car and says.......in the st excited voice going....our car, my favourite car, you brought it back".....it hasn't been anywhere, isn't going anywhere, and she's seen it there forever, parked right where it was parked and has been forever. I almost laughed at the expression, the excitement and the joy she was displaying, but sadly she really doesn't remember it, or my father and half the time me.....yes we said, it's back...............................ok so who's confusing who now????? Go figure, just tell me where and when to do what, and what to say so that no one is upset, angered, or sad. On a happier note we actually got through four birthdays with my mother not throwing a hissy fit and suggesting she is going to cancel them.....it was just the opposite this year, we went to their place for dinner and a cake, then opened presents and off we came home, no drama. Tonight was so bazaar because out we went for dinner, and during dinner my father says, "we never sang you happy birthday," what does my father do.............suggest we sing it right there in the restaurant. So we did and my mother actually sat there like she was conducting a band, moving her arms about and suggesting we sing it louder, and know what--she actually had a smile on her face. Who's laughing now, maybe the joke is on us. Maybe that's all it is, a bad joke. I just don't see the comedy of it, then again I never really enjoyed a good comedy. Maybe it's me missing something, but until the next time, I'll just look at it is for how sad it is, and know that each day her memory is becoming worse, one day she may say something hurtful and maybe on that day I'll just have to laugh.

1 comment:

Twisted Identity said...

Alzheimer's is a very difficult disease process for the loved ones to go through more than anything. If you haven't read it already there is a book called Still Alice that is beautiful.

I think the biggest thing to remember is to just love her in the moment, whatever, moment she happens to be in and enjoy every one of them for what they are.