Sunday, October 2, 2011

It's a total walk in the dark

never knowing who will be recognized, who will not be known and who will be the one to make my mom feel comforted is like taking a walk in the total dark and not knowing where you will end up or where you've been, you'll just know when you get there that it's suppose to be where you are. Does it make sense???? Not to me either. I look at pictures I've taken of my mom with Taylor or my dad, and in her eyes I see fear. Fear of not knowing who she is with, fear of not understanding what is going on about her. It's hard to explain, she puts on a real good front, she will remember my name when someone says it, she'll know who my father is when I call him dad, but does she really? My heart aches for her, my thoughts are always about how she is doing, and how her days are. Taking each day for what it's giving us is how we have to live life, but it really is like walking in the dark.... you know that really scared feeling you get, not seeing, not being able to get your barrings, just walking in almost total blindness, maybe every now and then touching that familiar object and thinking, I'm ok, I'll be alright. Is that what a person with Alzheimer's disease has go through their mind? Or are their days full of fear of the unknown..... When we talk my mom talks about not knowing or remembering parts of her life, or times of her life....she does not remember my father, she does not know who I am and she sometimes calls Taylor, Kim. She does seem to know Michael, he is her one constant, the person who can comfort her, the person who can make her laugh, and that's ok. At least we know she has someone that she recognizes, who knows why she doesn't remember us, but such is the way things are now. Each day is a new experience. I'll just keep taking that walk in the dark, because one day the light will go on and she will remember the one's she forgotten and if that day never happens then it's the memories we have of the past that we hold on to. Right???

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