Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Something I just can't get my mind around.....

It's funny how the brain works, one day you seem to understand what's going on around you and the next the world is a huge scary place.

Working in the profession I do, child care, I often feel so for the little ones brought into a place that is unknown to them, dropped off in some strangers arms and left for a day without an understanding of what really is going on around them.

Then along comes Alzheimer's disease into my life. Sort of like that first day of child care, there is that person you've known all your life, you call them mom and they look at you like you don't belong there. They don't know who you are, and they feel so lost and alone. My mom has no idea of so much of what has gone on in her life. She asks my father often to call her husband, she asks me to come into the back room and talk to her about the "man" in the house. She has no idea who he is and at night she is often afraid in bed because she has no idea who is laying next to her.

As I write this, I wonder if at some point my life will be the same, if I too will have this dreadful disease. It's strange how life can turn and twist and you really only be there doing whatever it is you are to do. We think we are in control of everything, that we know what we will do each day, that we plan and do what we feel is needing to be done. I laugh when I think of this, I don't plan things so much any more. I don't want to be disappointed or disappoint anyone. Planning use to give me something to look forward to, now if things don't happen like I think they should then my upset is great. So I take each day as it comes, look for the good in it and try to understand what is happening all about me.

My mother is a very intelligent woman, it sometimes terrifies me to know she feels so lost, so unaware of who's around her, so fearful. Just like that child dropped off in that place I call work, but to them is just a big building that mommy or daddy leave them in. How fearful it must be for them. Then I sit and think of how fearful it must be for my mom, her house is unrecognized, her husband isn't the person she thinks it should be, and I her daughter never existed. What must she think when she looks at my tears and see tears over what she doesn't remember. As I write this my heart is heavy and my tears are great. I miss my mom just like that child must miss their's when they are left at that place where someone is caring for them. I tell that little one their mom or dad will be back later, I just wish my mom would be back.


papertrails leaver said...

Lisa your post has me speechless with words to comfort for this debilitating disease. I send you hugs and prayers to your family to cope. I wish I culd offer more my friend.

Lisamariemlt said...

Amy just taking the time to send a hug is more meaningful than you can imagine
hugs back to you and thank you for your friendship

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