Saturday, February 11, 2012

New Resolution

I made a few New Years Resolutions this year and so far haven't kept one. However today when I was visiting my mom and dad a resolution popped into my head that I am truly going to keep. You see every time I visit my mother there is a conversation that goes like this......

My don't understand it, there are a lot of them that come here to work mom there is only dad.
My just don't get it, I'm not making this up!!!
Me.... honestly mom there is only dad
My mom.......there are a lot of them and they all say they have the same just don't get it

....this conversation goes on every time I talk to her, whether it's on the phone or I am there.
Tonight she asked me to come into a room in the back of the house with her. Off we went, and once there she began to talk.........she found a bunch of pajamas on the spare bed, she began to show them to me, each one she held up asking if it would fit. As she held them up she continued to tell me that one of the men was cleaning and decided to clean out her pajama drawer.
As I stood there, watching her and listening to her words, I decided I was not going to try to change her mind, I was not going to attempt to correct her. She knew what went on in her own mind and she was gong about her business in her own way. She was proud to give me those clothing items, she was happy to see them fit. She knew they were hers and hers to give away, but it made me sad. You see that man who did the laundry was my father, the one who does the cooking and cleaning. The one who makes her meals, gives her her pills, and the one who is there all the time to see and keep her safe.
But, today I resolved to a new resolution. To not argue, to just let the moments go. To not say anything about the man that was there, or the men that come and go. But to just live in the moment. That's hard for me, I want things to be right, I want things to be ok, I want things to be the way they use to be. But that will not happen, things are the way they are now, never to be the way they were. I have to understand that, I have to move on, and not want them to be the way they were before my mother forgot our lives. She is still my mother, she is still the person who I look up to, it hurts me to see how fragile she has become, she was my pillar, my hero, my mom. As I type this the tears are flowing from my eyes, I wish that I could call her and chat, but that is too much for her, conversations are over her head. Life can be cruel, not for her, but for me, I want her to be who she used to be. Wishing for that is like trying to fly. I'll never get off the ground unless I am in a plane, and my mother will never be who she was unless we turn back the hands of time. So my resolution is to let her live in her world, to visit her world with her, to ask her questions about what is going on in her world, and to know that in her world there are fears, worries and frustrations. But like me trying to fly without having wings, I just have to accept that some things are not meant to be. Life does go on and I need to remember the times we shared when she was who she use to be, and now that she is who she is to live and learn and take each day as it comes. Do I have a message for anyone who reads my blog??? Yes, that message would be, make a new resolution daily, one you know you can try to keep, one that is not to difficult to include everyone in that you love, but make is simple enough so that no matter what happens it can be kept, even if just for that day. That way your heart will never be broke, your life will be simple and you will always be happy, and if you can't be any of those things, just live in the moment. Do whatever it is that you have to do, but know that there is a reason you do to it. You might not know why now but you will in time. That simple resolution might just help you make it through tough times. I am sure tough times are in everyone's life not just mine. Make your life for you, make memories for you and whoever is in your life. Make those new resolutions one's you can keep because life is full of disappointments, don't make life disappointing, just make it one you can look back on and say, hey I did it and I'm who I am and proud of me because me is all I have to make life the way I want it to be. Am I rambling, or am I making sense????? You tell me, you come to my blog, I hope I inspire, I hope I challenge you to be a better person and most of all I hope I inspire you to be you!!!

No comments: