Thursday, February 2, 2012

Thinkin about stuff

Sitting here tonight watching Taylor sleep on the couch I've realized, I worry too much, I stress about stuff out of my control, I try to be a perfectionist, and I don't laugh enough.
Seeing her after her being unwell for a week lay there so contently I realize life is good for her, she is content, the little things in life make her happy, she tries to please us far too much, and she is sorry often for things she has not control of.
Just thinking tonight has made me realize that I need to make room for more time with the one's I love, worry less about not working and change the things I can about the money I don't have and spend less cause I don't have it. I need to use more of what I have and not buy new stuff just because I think I need it, and I've realized that writing down these things that I am thinking about is making me realize more how important life is and not to not appreciate it.

Why am I thinking about all of this............I was on the phone with my father tonight, my mother got on the phone and again as usual stated the man on the phone wasn't my father, that she thinks he's my/our uncle. She couldn't remember his name, and wasn't sure why he wanted to know all her business. He's been in her life forever, and it's him she doesn't know. I can't imagine how he feels. His heart must hurt but he says he sometimes laughs and teases her. She kissed him goodnight and he asked why if she didn't know him was she kissing him. Her reply, I kiss all the men before I go to bed at night. You see she sees several people in the house, all with the same name, and all come to do jobs, none are her husband or when he is there he's not there for long and not often enough. He's there every day seven/twenty four, goes no where and is the only one there.

So why am I thinking about all I am. Because life is short, but not just short, life can so easily be forgotten, mental illness is cruel, it robs those who remember of so much and for those who are effected by it, it truly is sad. It hurts to see my mom's mental being the way it is, but it is the way it is. She sees things the way she does, and we know things the way they are. It hurts that she does not remember so much, so that is why today I've decided to--live life, laugh lots and love those who are in my life with all my heart, not that I don't already but to really make a conscious effort of doing it and not creating stress like I do because of worrying about everything so much. Today is today and tomorrow today may be forgotten. There are not guarantees that life will always be the same, it can change in a minute, make that minute count!!!

1 comment:

Anna said...

Thanks for sharing, brought tears to my eyes. Life is is short we need to appreciate everything!!