Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It seems I only post when......

my thoughts are deep and my heart is hurting. Mother's Day, isn't it suppose to be a day for sharing your love with the one who brought you into this world??? The person who knows you better than you know yourself??? The person who you can turn to when the world seems to have turned against you???Yet, the person who was there for me, the person I knew growing up and the person who is still living in that same house, with my father doesn't even know or remember me, my father, or the past.How must the world feel to her??? I know my thoughts are torn and tattered, but she must feel fear, she doesn't know her past, she can't remember living in that house, and she really doesn't know who I am until I call her mom. I haven't lost the person the person has just lost the memories of us. It hurts, tears are streaming down my face as I type this, but I have to get my feelings out somewhere and when I type them here then they are out for me read, acknowledge and read over and over again. Is that a good thing???My father always said one say she was going to wake up and not know her past. I never believed that, maybe I just didn't want to believe it. Now it's real, she sits and listens to our conversations and says very little. She is confused, I can tell by the look on her face, scared, frightened and worried. She looks at us like we are complete strangers, and to her we are. Today I feel like I have hit my emotional wall. No, I feel like I have run into it traveling ever so fast,hit the cement and crashed to a stop.Mother's day, how can I be happy to be one, when I feel the way I do about not having one who remembers me??? Maybe I'm scared I will someday forget my life, maybe I am scared that I too will look about and not know my home, my family or my friends. That really does bother me, not knowing what my future will bring, seeing today and knowing it's not enjoyable for the ones who do remember, the one's who love her with all their hearts and know she is worried about loving back. Last night Taylor and I were at Walmart, she saw the movie "The Vow" on sale. She started to tell me about it and I looked at her and softly said, "why would I want to see a movie about a person forgetting everything about them when my own mother doesn't remember me"???She looked at me and said, "yah I guess that wouldn't be nice would it" and then in a quiet voice said "sorry" and grabbed for my hand. Not fair for an eleven year old to have that dumped on them, I know but I believe in being honest, sometimes honesty hurts but it is the truth.Lately my mother is asking to go home. That the house she is in is not where she lives, yet she has lived there for over fifty years. She often talks about her grandparents in the present tense, like they are still alive. I told her the other night that her grandfather was dead before I was born. She asked why no one told her that. She isn't sleeping through the nights when she is upset. My father is kept awake with her questions, questions she asks over and over again. I know that I should be happy, my mother is still alive. Yes, for that I am so grateful, she is there for us to share company with, to visit and to talk to. If only she could just take a step forward or back and the clock of unkind health would turn and erase this awful nightmare she lives in. It does seem like the only time I post here is when my heart is hurting, not often do I feel like I've crashed into that wall, but today when I have done the few things that I have done, and each thing is a reminder that Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday, I share my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions. It's best that I do it here, I'm not bringing upset or frustration with my anywhere when I spend a few moments here typing down my feelings. Venting really does help the soul, and this is my space to vent after all. Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it's just a way to get things out there, either way, it's my space and it' what this space is for.

5 comments:

Dee said...

Your post truly touched my heart. I'm sorry that you have to witness your mother at her weakest moments. I know it doesn't seem fair. I had to go through the same thing with my grandmother so I know it's not easy. I had to bathe her, dress her and do her hair because she wasn't able to. I used to show my grandmother pictures all the time and tell her the same stories that she once shared with me.
beneaththeelmtree.blogspot.com

Dee said...

Your post truly touched my heart. I'm sorry that you have to witness your mother at her weakest moments. I know it doesn't seem fair. I had to go through the same thing with my grandmother so I know it's not easy. I had to bathe her, dress her and do her hair because she wasn't able to. I used to show my grandmother pictures all the time and tell her the same stories that she once shared with me.
beneaththeelmtree.blogspot.com

The Way I See It! said...

In reading your post i could not help but think about the residents i work with on an Alzheimer unit and their family members. Some family member have expressed to me that really the person they now see is not their parent they grew up with. In away they are morning the death of the person they knew and finding a new relationship with the person that exists now. The physical being, of the person they loved. Course im sure you know this.
I also see family members project on their loves ones emotions that they might feel if they were in that position right now with a fully functioning brain. But I also say to them that the deterioration of the brain is a funny thing and they don't feel the way we do. Therefore, if she appears afraid she may not be. It maybe a projection on your part. She could feel happy, sad, hungry or any other emotion for you being there but her face can not show it. It is always very hard to let go of someone who has always been there for you. But the roles change. Mother daughter relationship changes now and this is your opportunity to give back all the positive that she has given you. Dont know if this is of any help but its just what i was thinking about when i read your post.

The Way I See It! said...

In reading your post i could not help but think about the residents i work with on an Alzheimer unit and their family members. Some family member have expressed to me that really the person they now see is not their parent they grew up with. In away they are morning the death of the person they knew and finding a new relationship with the person that exists now. The physical being, of the person they loved. Course im sure you know this.
I also see family members project on their loves ones emotions that they might feel if they were in that position right now with a fully functioning brain. But I also say to them that the deterioration of the brain is a funny thing and they don't feel the way we do. Therefore, if she appears afraid she may not be. It maybe a projection on your part. She could feel happy, sad, hungry or any other emotion for you being there but her face can not show it. It is always very hard to let go of someone who has always been there for you. But the roles change. Mother daughter relationship changes now and this is your opportunity to give back all the positive that she has given you. Dont know if this is of any help but its just what i was thinking about when i read your post.

Round peg said...

Your experience with your mother echoes our experience with an aunt with dementia. There are days when she seems better but it is only temporary. Remembering their parents & especially their mothers seems a common factor. While she may not remember your visit, the time spent with her enriches her at that time.
We find it helps a little to plan a small treat for ourselves after visiting our aunt, such as going out for coffee. It's not easy for you and your family.